I don’t know where to begin with this post. Over the past few months, I have been working on trying to get Tranquility setup with a completely different look and path. However, as much as I might have got some of it done, I am far from it being finished. This post, though, isn’t about the changes I am bringing to my journal. Instead, it is something more personal, something that happen to me and actually happens to quite a few women around the world.
Back in February, my husband told me that he was ready to try again for a second child. There were ups and downs about expanding our family. I struggled during my daughter’s first few months of life. I was lost in a depression that I felt like that I was actually not there. I did everything that was required of taking care of her but that was all. Anyways, enough on that subject. She will be two in August, and things are going quite well with her.
I was happy that my husband was ready. I stopped taking my birth control and watched how my body responded. In the month of March, we tried. In April, I took the first pregnancy test. It wasn’t a complete 100% positive, but it was there. Because of my history, my husband wanted me to make sure and get tested at the hospital. It was true. I was pregnant. I was due December 2018.
That is when everything went downhill. At the beginning of May, I started spotting. My first pregnancy started that way too, and we all know how that went. Anyways, I didn’t want to believe that was what was happening so I called my doctor. For over two weeks, I had blood work and a trans-vaginal sonogram done. The sonogram put me farther behind that I thought. It even changed my due date. That stayed in the back of mind. The only good news I received from the sonogram was the hearing of the heartbeat. A few days later, I had blood work done. My HCG levels were rising just not by much. Ever since the spotting started, I just had this bad feeling that something wasn’t right. Oh, how I wish it wasn’t true.
My doctor wanted me to have another sonograph just to make sure everything was doing alright. I even planned the weekend out of going to see my parents and sisters. Oh, how that turned out wrong. The technicians that were doing sonogram gave me the information that I already knew: there was no heartbeat. I lost the baby. I was sent to see another doctor who told me the actual truth. I didn’t have a miscarriage quite yet. The baby was still inside me along with everything else. I had three options: D&C, taking the pill, or waiting it out. I almost wish I went with the surgery. I was scared about the risks, but at least I would have been at the hospital.
As I am typing this, I am currently going through the process after taking the pill. Every woman’s story is different. There is cramping and a whole lot of blood. There is one thing we all have in common, though. We lost a baby, and the sorrow and hurt it brings is something that is hard to deal with. We are grieving for a child we will never be able to hold. I might not have been pretty far. I lost mine at 7 weeks 4 days, but I know it was a baby, a baby that I will never see, a sibling for my daughter, a grandchild for my parents.
I know I have my beautiful daughter. She is my sun, but I was looking forward to going through the pregnancy, the delivery, and holding a newborn. I wanted to have a better experience than my last. I wanted to enjoy having a newborn around and not lost in my mind. However, as I am writing this, I have cramps that are worse than period ones. I am writing this as I have blood clots and pads full of blood. I am writing this as I am losing a baby.
My grief is different this time around. My first miscarriage was hard on me. I was a completely different person for a few days. I was lost, confused. I didn’t understand why God was doing this to me. This time around, I was trying to keep a happy smile on my face, not just for me but I didn’t want my daughter to see me sad. As I sit, I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. I have my parents with me for my husband is away for work. However, even with them, they are not understanding what I am feeling. They are not going through what I am going through. I will keep pushing threw for I also have a better understanding of God’s path for me. He is with me through this. I will keep praying that everything will be alright. Right now, He is with me and understands what I am going through. No woman deserves this. I will never understand, but I will keep my faith knowing that there will be another time.